What happened when the last five models met pop group Cover Drive in Barbados? Here’s Will Gore on the latest episode of Britain And Ireland’s Next Top Model.
This week on Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model some superstars from the music world popped in for a guest appearance. Because I’m out of the pop loop more than Stock, Aitken and Waterman, I’m taking it on trust that Cover Drive are indeed bona fide stars. The fact that they’re appearing on BINTM makes me severely suspicious though.
It turned out that the band were on the scrounge, taking advantage of some cheap labour in the form of the five remaining BINTM girls, who were used as extras in their latest video.The models were still out in Barbados and as Cover Drive are locals they were able to pass on some handy tips on how to dance like a true Bajan. A big question was posed by lead singer, Amanda Reifer: what is the most important thing in Caribbean dancing? The answer was enough to make the eyes of a No More Page Three campaigner shed tears of blood.
“Curves,” she said with a grin, before adding the simple instruction: “If you have them flaunt them and if you don’t have them, you have to make it look like you have them”. Sophie thought she stood a good chance of success in the video challenge as she said she had “the biggest hips in the competition,” which wasn’t much of a boast considering the hopefuls are all thinner than my mum’s gravy.
As it transpired, most of the girls struggled once the cameras started rolling. The not-very famous five followed the band down an empty street and there was a lot of awkward swaying and hands-on-head action, with only Irish farm hand Sarah bumping and grinding like a true pop star (Beyonce O’Knowles, perhaps?)
After the video was wrapped, the models then headed to their latest photo shoot assignment, and this one proved to be weirder than most. They were sent down into a cave dressed in tight lycra and naff jewellery and, to top it off, a few of them (Sophie, Emma, and, briefly, Sarah) were made to wear boyish wigs that made them look like a gang of Dickensian chimney sweeps.
Unsurprisingly most of the pictures ended up looking pretty terrible. And, when it came to the judging, Elle, Tyson and Dannii decided that Naomi’s shots were the worst of a bad bunch. She trudged off, with tears in her eyes and Elle’s vacuous words of comfort ringing in her ears, leaving only four girls battling it out for that least coveted of titles, Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model.
At this late stage the favourite is undoubtedly Lauren who has won ‘picture of the week’ on a regular basis and is clearly loved by the judges (particularly Tyson who can barely keep his tongue in his gob whenever she strides into view).
What might count against Lauren is that she could out smug all comers, even a Frankenstein’s monster made from bits of Tory front bencher and Guardian columnist. This over confidence could yet be her undoing.
Of the other contenders, Sophie has been criticised by the judges for having a face that “looks bored” (they should see mine), while Sarah also seems to have only a slim chance of victory.
That just leaves Northern lass Emma as the contender most likely to pip Lauren. According to Tyson she looks like a “weirdo”, but Emma should just focus on the job at hand and, like the rest of us have been doing for the entire series, not pay any notice to anything that half-wit has to say.